I haven’t talked about this too much, publicly anyways. My husband, a few close friends, and some of my coworkers are in on it…but that’s about it.  I’ve always been the kind of person that likes to put on a good “front” for everyone.  Whether I’m unhappy in a job, a relationship, etc. I am a PRO at pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows.  Typically I keep that routine up until I get to an actual breaking point and then people are like, “What happened!? Everything seemed so good!” I’m a classic people-pleaser!

As an example, here’s a picture from the middle of my depression:

        I mean, it’s a wonder I don’t have a career as an actress! I think I was pretty convincing!

So anyways, I’ll start at the beginning.  Although it’s kind of hard to say what the beginning was…I felt slight shifts in my mood starting towards the end of college.  This was around the same time I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease.  I’ve read a lot of articles about Celiac and Depression being linked, so I have a feeling that’s true in my case. After graduation in 2014, I felt a little overwhelmed in my first job and really started to feel a strong shift in my mood, but I figured it was all work related.  The random low-mood periods continued over the years.  Fast-forward to 2016 and everything took a nose dive.  I’m not exactly sure what triggered it.  I took a new job which was a huge promotion and a huge step forward in my career! But undertaking that kind of shift is incredibly stressful! Plus I was in the midst of planning a wedding…great timing, right? I don’t think my depression was because of any of these things…I think that the timing of those events just exacerbated it!

In September of that year, the month of my wedding, I started feeling more and more foggy and out of it.  I was easily overwhelmed by things and felt a constant nervous feeling in my stomach, for no apparent reason! The actual day of the wedding and the days leading up to it were great! I felt fine and I was so happy and excited! Then we took off on our honeymoon and the weight of depression started to creep in.  As the days went by, I could feel my mood dropping and my anxiety building.  Don’t get me wrong, our honeymoon was INCREDIBLE and I had so much fun.  But it really was a struggle to push through my mood and be in the moment.  I can remember laying on the bed in our hotel room with my husband, right before we were going to head out to dinner.  All of a sudden I was just overcome with intense sadness. I told him I needed a hug, so he cuddled me and I just started to cry.  I quickly stopped myself, but it was just awful.  By the last day of our honeymoon, the anxiety and sadness was beginning to get too hard to ignore. It was a constant battle to push those thoughts aside and enjoy the day.

Once we came home, SURPRISE, it didn’t get any better.  It got much, much worse.  It started to feel nearly impossible to get myself out of bed. It was the only place that I really wanted to be anymore.  I would lay there, willing myself to get up, but thinking “This is the happiest I’m going to feel all day.” Once I got to work, it was nearly impossible for me to focus.  I felt this dense fogginess and total lack of motivation to do anything.  I began having to shut my office door because I couldn’t stop myself from crying throughout the day.  Thank god I had my own office!

I tried to talk to my husband about it in the beginning and he just didn’t understand.  It’s really hard for someone to understand that’s never experienced it! I know when I was dating someone that had depression several years ago, before any of this, I was the worst.  I said all the things no one with depression ever wants to hear, like “Think of how good you have it! There are people that have it so much worse than you!” “Look on the bright side.” And then I’d wonder why he’d get so mad! Boy do I get it now….sorry, ex-boyfriend!! My husband had the same kind of reactions…he wanted to help but he just didn’t get how.  He told me to think of how good our life was or control my thoughts and think positive.  Neither of which helps at all.  I spent nearly all of my energy trying to force myself to feel positive about anything! All the things that used to instantly make me feel happy didn’t do anything for me…I was totally numb.  I couldn’t think of a single thing that sounded fun anymore.  Intellectually I knew our life was good, but I couldn’t make myself feel it.  I couldn’t feel anything.  Well, anything other than numbness and the constant nervous feeling in my stomach.  Whenever I’d complain about the nervousness in my stomach, he’d say “What are you nervous about?” and I couldn’t get him to understand that I literally wasn’t nervous ABOUT anything.  I just felt anxious. My parents also had a hard time understanding.  My dad would just ask “What do you have to be depressed about?” and my mom would say “You just need to let go of the negativity and embrace more positive thoughts.  Don’t worry so much!” I think the “What do you have to be depressed about?” question upset me the most.  That was exactly what was so frustrating about the whole thing! I didn’t have ANYTHING to be depressed about and I wasn’t depressed ABOUT anything.  I was just depressed. That’s the difference between feeling sad and being depressed.  People feel sad about things, but depression is a whole other animal.  It’s not a feeling, it’s a state of being.  Your brain is sick and there’s no rhyme or reason.  And it’s nearly impossible to fix your sick brain with a sick brain….you can’t think your way out of it!

I never thought about actively trying to kill myself.  But throughout that October, November, and December I thought a lot about wanting to just be dead.  I didn’t want to do it myself, I just wanted it to kind of accidentally happen.  We live in rural Connecticut, so we’re surrounded by lots of wonderful trails! There was a wooded trail where I’d take my dog on hikes pretty regularly.  **Side note–this is another thing people love to say to depressed people–“Go outside and enjoy nature! You’ll feel better!”  Nature used to be something that made me feel happy, but now it was like it was taunting me. “Remember how this used to make you happy?? Now it just looks like an abyss that you want to disappear into! Sucks to be you!”  **  I continued to take my dog out on the trails and something about being alone out there really put me in a weird place.  I would start to feel like I just wanted to keep walking until I was totally lost.  Other times I felt like I just wanted to lay down somewhere and never get back up.

This time of year was hunting season and there’s always tons of hunters in the woods! I can remember one day I decided to take my dog on a hike.  I put a bright orange harness on her so that hunters could see her…but I decided to wear black.  Remember, I didn’t want to kill myself, but I figured it would be alright if it accidentally happened! I thought if a hunter shot me, then at least no one could say that I did it to myself.  Yeah, I know, that reasoning is ridiculous.  I ended up running into a hunter in the middle of the woods that day and he yelled at me for not wearing anything.  I sank deeper into myself and somehow made it back to my house.  It was at that point that I realized I had to do something.

The next day, I called and made an appointment with a psychologist.  On the day that I met with her, I cried the ENTIRE TIME.  Ugly, ugly crying.  It had been built up for so long and actually having to talk about it out loud to someone just made me lose it.  She recommended that I see my primary care doctor to get on some antidepressants.  I can remember her saying “You don’t have to live like this.  It doesn’t have to be this way.” She said that medication often helps pull you out of that deep, deep depression where your mind isn’t ready to heal itself.  Once that happens, then you can start to work on yourself in therapy.  Boy was she totally right.

I quickly made an appointment and my doctor prescribed Zoloft.  At first, it didn’t really do anything.  My doctor started me off on the lowest dose and then we slowly increased it.  As it increased, I would feel one or two fleeting positive thoughts a day.  Like randomly I would think about something and feel that warm glow of happiness.  And just as soon as I felt it, it’d slip away and I couldn’t get it back. I’m talking 2-3 seconds here. But that gave me so much hope! I hadn’t felt that in so long! Just the fact that my brain was able to feel joy about ANYTHING was a huge step for me! I really felt like maybe things would get better.  As we increased the dosage, I’d start to get those feelings several times throughout the day. Then, I’d start to feel that way for half of the day…then most of the day.  Until finally, I felt normal feelings again! I felt happy about things I used to enjoy, I laughed more, the fog lifted, and I finally felt like myself again! This was over the course of about 6 months. It’s not a quick fix.

I still have a little trouble with lack of “get up and go” every once in a while.  That’s pretty normal for people with depression.  It’s not always fully cured for people…it’s something you live with and constantly manage.  I’ve become pretty good at managing it though! If I feel it start to creep back up on me, I know that I’m slacking on my workouts or my nutrition/supplements and I need to get my butt back in gear! Don’t bottle it up…let the ones you love know that you’re struggling and need a hug or a word of encouragement.  It’s not your battle to fight alone.

I’m not one of those people that’s going to say “I just thought positive thoughts and exercised and now I’m cured and off my meds!” I don’t know if I’ll ever go off my meds and I’m okay with that.  If I have to pop a pill every day so that I don’t wanna be shot by a hunter, then I think that’s a small price to pay!!

This was me over the summer feeling truly happy and not just faking it!

I’m so thankful for how far I’ve come! I’m thankful to my husband who grew so much during my journey and who now totally understands what I went through/continue to go through and just how to help (whether that’s making me laugh or enveloping me in a bear hug). I’m thankful that he never gave up on me and loved me through it all. I’m thankful to my wonderful parents who took the time to understand the struggle I had and supported me no matter what! And I’m thankful for the lovely community of people that I’ve gotten to know over the past year!

If you’re struggling with depression, please think about what my therapist said: “It doesn’t have to be this way.”  Things will get better, you just have to take a step towards getting help.  It’s not easy, but it’s so incredibly worth it.