I’ve been meaning to write up Jack’s birth story and he just turned 6 months old yesterday, so I figured it was time to do it before I start forgetting things! The human brain is sneaky that way. I want to preface this by saying that it’s not a totally feel-good, positive birth story (despite all my efforts lol). While everything turned out totally fine, if you’re pregnant and looking to only read about positive, smooth births…this may not be for you haha And I totally get needing to protect your mental space and not allowing extra anxiety to creep in! I was the same way and I think it was really beneficial. With that being said…here we go!
Skincare and Makeup Products for Pregnancy and Breastfeeding
I’ve had a history of skin issues, so I was no stranger to the dermatologist. She had put me on retinol for acne at one point and I remember her telling me that if I ever got pregnant, I needed to stop using it immediately. But as far as what else was safe or not safe for pregnancy, I wasn’t really sure! So when we decided to start trying, I started doing my research.
So I’ve seen pictures of me at like 6 or 7 where I was wearing a 2-piece at the beach and very clearly didn’t care or notice the rolls on my stomach when I was sitting down. What a time to be alive! I’m pretty sure I became painfully aware of my not-so-flat stomach once I started cheerleading in 3rd grade. A friend of mine on the team was VERY skinny and she often made comments about other girl’s weights. I can remember playing in the backyard with her and we were both wearing sports bras. She looked over at my stomach and made a face and a puking sound…and thus, my lifetime self-consciousness was born.
From then on, I obsessed over my stomach. I would wrap my hands around it and look in the mirror, wishing I could just cut it off and look like Britney Spears. By the time I was in 6th grade, I had hit a growth spurt and really thinned out…but I still had a little pouch on my stomach. Starting in 8th grade, I decided enough was enough and my eating habits got a little out of control…for the next 2-3 years, I dealt with obsessive calorie restriction and anorexia. Whatever serving sizes were, I cut them in half…and then cut them again. I never ate breakfast, so that wasn’t a new thing. But come lunch time, I’d take a single bite out of a few things my mom had so lovingly packed for me and then I’d throw the rest away. I remember on the weekends I would eat 1/4 cup of Special K cereal and then a salad for dinner. I was terrified to eat.
In the midst of that, I remember going on a beach vacation with one of my friends. We were sitting in the car in our bikinis and she says to me “It’s so funny that you’re so skinny all over but you still have a little pouch on your stomach.” She went on to say how boys like that…but it did not make me feel any better. It just added fuel to my “don’t eat anything” fire.
By freshman year, I was 5’4 and 107 pounds…maybe on other people that looks okay, but for me, I looked WAY too thin. I remember going to the doctor and she said “You are a little underweight…you could gain 25lbs and that’d be just fine.” I can’t imagine I had anything left to grab on my stomach, but at the time, I thought there was and that I just needed to hit 100 pounds in order to be perfect.
I cropped it so my 8th grade friend didnt have to be embarrassed too lol
Naturally, this picture is embarrassing but at least you can see how skinny I was! But around sophomore year, a few things happened that snapped me out of it. For one, I remember being at gymnastics practice with some girls I cheered with. I did a handstand to warm up and my shirt slipped up so you could see my hip bones bulging out. Two of the girls said “Omg ew…you’re so skinny.” It hurt my feelings at the time, but I’m actually so thankful they said it because it was the first time I thought “Oh…maybe this isn’t ideal after all…” Then, later that year I became really close to two other girls on the cheerleading team and they had very healthy relationships with food! When we’d hang out, they’d want to order pizza or sushi or make cakes together and I started seeing that it wasn’t the end of the world to do those things. I started eating more regularly, feeling happier, and gaining some of my weight back. They reassured me that I looked great and didn’t need to be so self-conscious.
However, even as I recovered from my eating disorder, my stomach was always something I was super self-conscious of. I hid it as much as possible. As the years went on, I started to kind of get used to it and accept it. It was really just genetics…my mom and grandma both had the same thing and no matter how much weight I could lose, it’d always be there, so why not just embrace it?
So fast forward to now…I’m 26 and pretty comfortable with myself over-all. However, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to get rid of that little pouch and just have a flat stomach once and for all. I had heard CoolScuplting commercials on the radio for the past few years and it sounded like something I’d be perfect for. They always emphasized how it was for the stubborn areas where exercise and diet didn’t seem to make difference! So finally, this summer, I decided to just try it! I knew I was at a healthy place in my body image where I didn’t need it to feel happy and confident which made it a safe choice.
I did some research on it and read varying reviews about how painful it was….and I was actually really nervous!! But finally, I decided to have it done at Jandali Plastic Surgery in Trumbull, CT and I’m so happy I did. They were wonderful. So here’s how it went!
Consultation
So first you go in for a consultation appointment to talk to the doctor about what area you’re considering. Their office is beautiful which was immediately reassuring to me.
And then, once you go into the consultation room, the certifications and degrees are all over the wall…which I love to see! haha
The doctor then went over how the procedure works, any risks, and then she showed me how the suction cups would be placed on my stomach. After that, I made my appointment to come back in and have it done!
CoolSculpting Procedure
My actual CoolSculpting appointment was 2 hours long. The first hour, we did my before pictures and measurements and the doctor made all the marks on my stomach for where the suction cups would go. Notice it’s in a heart? <3
After I was all marked up, they put a little cooling gel pad over my stomach which protects your top layer of skin from the cold temperature!
After that, she placed the big suction cup on the right side of my stomach. Each side would be done separately and take a half hour each. She pushes a button on the suction cup and it draws my stomach up into it…which isn’t uncomfortable at all. She put a big fluffy pillow around me and covered up my legs with a blanket. It was actually really cozy! haha She offered me an ipad to watch Netflix or Hulu (which they provide), but I had a conference call to take, so I passed. Then she made sure I was alright, turned on the machine, and headed out for a half hour.
Heres the chair and CoolSculpting Machine
Here’s how it looked from my point of view! Once she turned the machine on, I could feel the temperature start to drop. It started to feel really cold, like an ice pack, and then it felt kind of like period cramps. Not horrible period cramps…just moderate ones where you can continue to go on with your day. (If you’re a guy, think muscle cramps) In everything I read, it said the first 10 minutes were uncomfortable and then the area went numb…this was definitely accurate! The period cramp feeling lasted for about 10 minutes and then I didn’t feel anything anymore! I took my conference call and actually felt super relaxed. Something about being snuggled up and the humming of the machine made me want to take a nap haha
It’s nice because the screen on the machine tells you how much time you have remaining on the current treatment.
After the first half hour was up, the doctor came back into the room and removed the suction cup. This is where the only kind of painful part started. As your skin returns to it’s normal temperature, it feels really achy. It’s not a sharp pain or anything, just kind of a deep ache in that area. But this was gone after 5-10 minutes. As I was feeling this achiness, she placed the suction cup on my left side, made sure I was okay, turned on the machine, and headed out. I was surprised that this time I actually didn’t feel the period cramping as the temperature went down. Once the achiness was gone in my right side after a few minutes, that was it….it wasn’t uncomfortable at all!
I took a selfie during the process just so you could see how not miserable I was haha After the last half hour, she came in and removed the suction cup. As expected, that side felt pretty achy as well, but not as bad as the first one. Once the machine is off, the doctor has to massage the treatment area for about 5 minutes to break up the fat. I had read online that this part was uncomfortable for people, but the area was so numb that I really didn’t feel much. It didn’t bother me at all. Once that was done, I got dressed and headed back to my car! By the time I was walking out of the office, I didn’t feel achy or anything anymore. My stomach felt numb, but other than that I was fine!
Once I got home, I actually took my dog to the dog park and went right along with my day. As you can see, my stomach wasn’t even red or anything.
Over the next few days, my stomach stayed numb all over…which was weird, but expected. It also felt a little sore to the touch but nothing that bothered me much. I didn’t feel any pain at all unless I poked myself in the stomach…then it just felt like a bruise would feel if you poked it…so don’t poke it and you’re fine lol After that, just the top layer of my skin felt numb and that lasted for about 2 weeks. Once the two week window was over, everything went back to normal!
I was SO nervous for how it would go and I’ll say that I would 100% do it again! It was totally manageable and overall a really great experience!
They say it takes 3-4 months to see the full results and currently I’m at 2 months. I definitely feel like I notice a slight difference. I go back for my after-pictures tomorrow, so we’ll see! I anticipate seeing more results in the next 2 months. Essentially how it works is the machine freezes your fat cells so that they die off and your body excretes them. It takes a while for that to happen so it’s a slow process.
Stay tuned as I’ll be posting my 2 month before and after pictures and then I will follow up in another 2 months for the final results!!
Having Celiac Disease is definitely a life changing experience. Until you have it, you don’t realize how many aspects of your life involve food! And suddenly having to worry so much about every single thing you put into your mouth changes everything. So here are 10 reactions that I’m guessing all of you Celiacs can also relate to lol Feel free to add some more in the comments!
When you’re not expecting to be able to eat anything, but someone surprises you by going out of their way to get something gluten free just for you and it hits you right in the feels
2. When friends or family decide to cook you a “gluten free” meal but you feel the need sit in the corner and watch to make sure they don’t accidentally mess up… “Hey what’s that seasoning you just used??”
3. When someone makes you a gluten free meal and you don’t get to watch them make it so you ask “So how’d you make this??” trying to pass it off like you just wanna know the recipe and not like you’re listening intently for possible gluten traps.
4.When you ask the waiter if something is gluten free and he says “Yeah, I’m pretty sure”…but you can see in his eyes he has no freaking clue.
5. When you’re trying to figure out where to go to dinner with a group of people and someone suggests a place that’s really not Celiac-friendly and they say “But I’m sure you can get a salad.”
6. When someone serves you something with gluten and then they ask if you can just pick it off
7. When you tell someone you’re gluten free and they say “Omg, I would die if I couldn’t have gluten.” Really…? Would you really DIE?
8. When you take a bite of something that’s gluten free, but it’s so good you can’t quite believe you’re not being poisoned.
9. When you take a chance on a restaurant and you’re not sure how they’ll be about the whole “gluten free” thing, but they end up blowing you out of the water.
10. When you meet someone else that has Celiac and you feel instantly connected/wanna talk about it for hours.
For anyone without Celiac disease, this might seem like a silly post. But for anyone that’s single at the time of their diagnosis, it really does add some extra stress to your plate! You wonder what will happen if your date chooses a restaurant you can’t eat at…will you seem high maintenance? What if you get sick on the date? Not cute! What if he drinks beer and then tries to kiss me?
Yeah…these were all things I thought about. At the time of my diagnosis, I was actually in a relationship. I had been dating him for almost 5 years so I was really comfortable with him and didn’t worry about him accommodating this new challenge. He didn’t mind looking for gluten free places to eat or asking about cross contamination. However, being that I started dating him when I was 16 and I was now 20, we were growing apart. I was diagnosed in November and come February, I was single for the first time really ever in my “adult” life. I say “adult” loosely because what did I even know about adulthood at 20? lol But you get the idea.
It’s really hard to pull off the “I’m a cool girl. I’m so chill. I’m up for whatever,” when you have Celiac. I feel like I actually am pretty easy going and low key (lol), but there are just a lot of things that others don’t even think about. Like if a guy orders a random drink and he’s like “omg try this, it’s so good” and then instead of being able to be flirty and positive, you have to be like “Do you remember what’s in it…? Hm. Okay. Hang on. I just have to google that obscure brand of alcohol and read through 16 discussion threads to see if I can have it.” Life of the party, right? And if the guy wants to pick the restaurant you’re going on for your date, you have to hope he just accidentally picks a gluten-friendly place so you don’t even have to bring it up. Because boy do you feel bad saying “I appreciate that you chose somewhere for us, but I actually can’t eat there. Can you pick somewhere else? No..not there either. Try again.”
But I actually think Celiac might make the dating process easier. HEAR ME OUT. It’s a fantastic way to test out how empathetic and compassionate someone is right from the get-go! If you bring up having Celiac when you start talking and the guy/girl seems totally put out and annoyed by your AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE then honey, I have a feeling that frog has a ton of other issues as well. It almost works as a filter. It weeds out the inconsiderate, selfish assholes before you waste more time on them! Imagine the poor people out there who don’t have Celiac and have to date that guy or girl for MONTHS before finding out they’re a self-centered jerk….those poor souls. Most people only get to see how kind or rude their date is to the waiter, but you also get to see how kind they are to you and how concerned they are about you staying safe! I mean, that’s kinda awesome, right?
I actually really didn’t have any trouble dating with Celiac. Almost everyone I talked to was incredibly understanding and I often got the “Oh yeah, my cousin/brother/friend/mom has Celiac” response. It’s amazing how many people know someone that has it! Any time a guy suggested taking me out to dinner, I just responded “Absolutely, I’d love to! Just a heads up, I have Celiac Disease, so I have to avoid gluten. I’m more than happy to suggest some safe restaurants in the area!” Usually they took me up on that or asked if the place they had in mind would work. It really wasn’t a big deal. Probably takes some of the pressure off of them not having to decide on a restaurant.
Us about a month after we met!
So my high school sweetheart and I broke up in February and I met my now-husband in March…sometimes that’s just how life works haha We weren’t officially a couple until June, but we did a lot of dating in the mean time! From the start, the gluten thing was just never an issue. I told him all the places I usually go in the area and we’d just pick from there. I can remember one time he even invited me over for dinner and made gluten free chicken parm! He put so much work into it and made sure that everything was safe! And it was…I didn’t get sick!
He was also super protective of me when we’d go anywhere, right from the beginning. He always triple checked with waiters and waitresses. If we were at a party and they were playing flip cup, he’d secure a clean spot for me and make sure no beer entered my zone lol And when he started taking me home to his family, he’d stay in the kitchen and talk his mom through cooking gluten free so I didn’t have to be the annoying one!
So I think the moral to the story is, if someone isn’t understanding about your disease or they don’t make an effort to accommodate you, they’re just not the one. That’s my personal opinion. If someone sees you for you and understands how special you are, they’re going to do anything and everything to make sure you’re safe, healthy, and happy. So if you’re newly diagnosed and terrified that Celiac is gonna scare away all your potentials suitors, don’t be. If anything, it’s going to make it easier to see who’s truly special and worth your time.
Here we are “back when we were dating”…I love saying that now lol it still sounds funny.
And here we are enjoying our gluten free wedding cake together <3 Don’t worry guys, you can have your gluten free cake and eat it too!
So maybe you’ve been miserable for weeks, months, or years and you finally found out what was wrong! Or maybe you had no symptoms and just happened to get some blood work done. Either way, you now know you have Celiac Disease and you’re completely overwhelmed. Yeah, don’t worry, we’ve all been there. If you’re anything like I was, you probably barely even know what gluten is. I had so many thoughts racing through my head…”What is gluten in other than bread?” “Can I drink alcohol?” “Will anything ever taste good?” “How hard is this going to be?”
Listen, it’s a lot to take in. And in my experience, there aren’t a lot of clear and concise articles out there to help you. When I was diagnosed, I wanted an article to be like okay, you have Celiac, here’s what to do right now…but I couldn’t find one. Everything seemed to ramble on and it all felt so over my head. I don’t want you to feel that way, so I’m gonna give you what I didn’t have–a game plan. Follow the plan and you’ll be off to a great start! More importantly though, be patient with yourself. There’s a lot to learn! You’re going to mess up. But trust me, in a year or two, you’ll be a gluten-free expert ready to help other newbies! Okay so here we go…
1. Figure out what the heck gluten even is.
So, if you haven’t heard by now, gluten is wheat, barley, and rye. Often you’ll hear people talk about wheat, but not always the barley and rye. As far as wheat goes, think anything that’s made with flour. Bread, flour tortillas, cake, cookies, pasta, crackers, orzo, pizza dough, etc. DON’T PANIC YET. As for barley and rye, I don’t run into it a ton. Barley is used to make beer and it’s also sometimes an ingredient in chocolate or chips (it’ll read “barley malt”). Honestly the only place I’ve ever seen rye is in rye bread. When you’re looking at labels, most will call out wheat as an ingredient at the bottom, but many will not call out barley. So really that’s the only thing I’ve found I really need to pay attention to. Here’s an example:
As you can see, the Lindt Chocolate truffles do not list wheat, barley, or rye in the allergen statement (“May contain….”). But if you look at the ingredients, barley malt powder is the second to last one. Wheat is considered more of an “allergen”, so that’s the one most companies identify. On the Cheese-It’s, you can see it clearly calls out wheat in it’s allergen statement.
Lindt Chocolate Truffle
Cheese-Its
2. Clear all the obvious gluten out of your house!
You’re going to need to get your kitchen in the gluten-free spirit, so just go for it. Throw away or give away your bread, pasta, crackers, cookies, beer, etc. Something you may not think to do but you need to is to throw away all your jarred condiments! This means your mayo, peanut butter, tub of butter, jelly, etc. Anything you’ve dipped a knife into, spread onto a piece of gluteny bread, and then dipped your knife back in. Those jars are super contaminated with gluten crumbs and yes, crumbs matter.
Check the spices in your spice cabinet. I’ve found wheat hiding in the ingredients of a lot of them! Especially the pepper. McCormick is a great brand because they bold any allergens in their ingredient list (including barley!). If you’re not sure if something has gluten in it, it’s okay. Hang tight and we’ll get there.
Throw out your soy sauce. Nearly all of them contain wheat as the second ingredient, unless you happen to always buy La Choy.
If you have a toaster where the bread pops up, you’re going to need to get rid of that and replace it with a new one that will be exclusively gluten free. If you have a toaster oven, you can just put tin foil down every time you toast something! It just depends if you’re sharing a household with someone and what-not.
3. Replace your gluten staples with gluten free ones!
So many times when people get diagnosed with Celiac, they think they need to start cooking in an entirely new way. They look up gluten-free recipes and are terrified. So many have like 6 different kinds of flour you’ve never heard of and it sounds impossible. Ignore that!! It’s so much simpler than that. I didn’t change the way I cooked at all….all I did was swap out the gluten ingredients in my normal recipes for gluten-free alternatives.
Get yourself some gluten-free bread (I love Udi’s or BFree), gluten free pasta (Barilla makes gluten free penne that tastes like regular pasta), certified gluten free oatmeal, and gluten free all purpose flour. At least for me, that’s mainly what I need to shift all my recipes into gluten free recipes! I also buy gluten free bread crumbs, gluten free pancake mix, and sometimes gluten free cereal. But just decide what you eat the most or cook with the most, and buy the gluten free version! I remember the day I got diagnosed, I went to the gluten free section of the store and bought crackers, pretzels, and all kinds of random snacks. The thing is…I never even ate pretzels or crackers as snacks when I did eat gluten…so why do I need them now? lol Just because they’re gluten free? No…don’t change your whole life!
4. Download this gluten free app
There are tons of apps out there and I’ve tried several over the years! However, I really only ever end up using 1 and I use it a lot!
Find Me Gluten Free. This one is a LIFE SAVER. Put in your address and it’ll show you all the restaurants around you that have gluten free options and how good they are! Lots of other gluten-free people rate them and you can see what their experiences were like. This is what I use every time I’m traveling and need to find somewhere safe or even just to see if any new restaurants around me got added! You’ll find some serious gems on there.
5. Stock up on some gluten free snacks to take on the go
I’ll be straight up with you, you’re gonna find yourself in situations where there’s nothing you can eat. Whether it’s a birthday party, a work function, a wedding, a food court….where ever. Sometimes there’s just nothing that’s safe. And I’ll be honest, this might be upsetting to you for the first few years. I literally cried at a food court once because I couldn’t find anything to eat….my family was a little taken aback and went to talk to Subway about making me something haha I wasn’t crying about that one moment of not getting anything to eat, I was crying because I realized this was my life now…I was going to face this a lot. But trust me when I say it gets better. I cried over nachos in 2014 and I’m happy to say that was the last time I cried over gluten lol I don’t get upset like that anymore because I’m just used to it and I prepare for it. Get lots of Larabars and Kind Bars. I have at least one in my purse almost always. Situations where gluten free options aren’t around feel MUCH better when you’re not totally starving haha I also bring bananas with me as well!
6. Join a Celiac Support group on Facebook
I waited a long time to do this and I wish I hadn’t! It’s a great group to belong to and you get a lot of your random questions answered! Plus it makes you not feel so alone. This past Christmas, our group did a Gluten Free Secret Santa and it was awesome!!
7. Find some people to follow on Instagram
Just search #glutenfreeliving or #celiac and you’ll find TONS of people that are living gluten free. You’ll get awesome tips, recipes, and you’ll probably meet some awesome new people!
8. Discover all the things that are naturally gluten free!
There’s actually a ton that is already gluten free that you probably don’t even realize! Meat, fruit, vegetables, rice, quinoa, cheese, milk, yogurt, lots of ice creams, sushi, etc. I promise you there’s plenty to eat!
There are even lots of other products that are gluten free as well!
Reese’s peanut butter cups, Cool Ranch Doritos, Haagan Dazs Ice Cream, Tostitos tortilla chips, Lay’s potato chips, Cheerios, Lucky Charms, the list goes on and on…
In the beginning, focus on the big things and get comfortable with those! There are lots of little tidbits of info that you’ll learn along the way, but just give yourself time. You’ll learn that gluten hides in chicken stock, holiday shaped Reese’s, dried beans, and random crap like that. But trust me, you WILL learn it all in time. Be patient, take a deep breath, and take it one meal at a time! I promise you can do it.
If you ever have any questions or just want to talk, feel free to contact me!
I haven’t talked about this too much, publicly anyways. My husband, a few close friends, and some of my coworkers are in on it…but that’s about it. I’ve always been the kind of person that likes to put on a good “front” for everyone. Whether I’m unhappy in a job, a relationship, etc. I am a PRO at pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows. Typically I keep that routine up until I get to an actual breaking point and then people are like, “What happened!? Everything seemed so good!” I’m a classic people-pleaser!
As an example, here’s a picture from the middle of my depression:
I mean, it’s a wonder I don’t have a career as an actress! I think I was pretty convincing!
So anyways, I’ll start at the beginning. Although it’s kind of hard to say what the beginning was…I felt slight shifts in my mood starting towards the end of college. This was around the same time I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. I’ve read a lot of articles about Celiac and Depression being linked, so I have a feeling that’s true in my case. After graduation in 2014, I felt a little overwhelmed in my first job and really started to feel a strong shift in my mood, but I figured it was all work related. The random low-mood periods continued over the years. Fast-forward to 2016 and everything took a nose dive. I’m not exactly sure what triggered it. I took a new job which was a huge promotion and a huge step forward in my career! But undertaking that kind of shift is incredibly stressful! Plus I was in the midst of planning a wedding…great timing, right? I don’t think my depression was because of any of these things…I think that the timing of those events just exacerbated it!
In September of that year, the month of my wedding, I started feeling more and more foggy and out of it. I was easily overwhelmed by things and felt a constant nervous feeling in my stomach, for no apparent reason! The actual day of the wedding and the days leading up to it were great! I felt fine and I was so happy and excited! Then we took off on our honeymoon and the weight of depression started to creep in. As the days went by, I could feel my mood dropping and my anxiety building. Don’t get me wrong, our honeymoon was INCREDIBLE and I had so much fun. But it really was a struggle to push through my mood and be in the moment. I can remember laying on the bed in our hotel room with my husband, right before we were going to head out to dinner. All of a sudden I was just overcome with intense sadness. I told him I needed a hug, so he cuddled me and I just started to cry. I quickly stopped myself, but it was just awful. By the last day of our honeymoon, the anxiety and sadness was beginning to get too hard to ignore. It was a constant battle to push those thoughts aside and enjoy the day.
Once we came home, SURPRISE, it didn’t get any better. It got much, much worse. It started to feel nearly impossible to get myself out of bed. It was the only place that I really wanted to be anymore. I would lay there, willing myself to get up, but thinking “This is the happiest I’m going to feel all day.” Once I got to work, it was nearly impossible for me to focus. I felt this dense fogginess and total lack of motivation to do anything. I began having to shut my office door because I couldn’t stop myself from crying throughout the day. Thank god I had my own office!
I tried to talk to my husband about it in the beginning and he just didn’t understand. It’s really hard for someone to understand that’s never experienced it! I know when I was dating someone that had depression several years ago, before any of this, I was the worst. I said all the things no one with depression ever wants to hear, like “Think of how good you have it! There are people that have it so much worse than you!” “Look on the bright side.” And then I’d wonder why he’d get so mad! Boy do I get it now….sorry, ex-boyfriend!! My husband had the same kind of reactions…he wanted to help but he just didn’t get how. He told me to think of how good our life was or control my thoughts and think positive. Neither of which helps at all. I spent nearly all of my energy trying to force myself to feel positive about anything! All the things that used to instantly make me feel happy didn’t do anything for me…I was totally numb. I couldn’t think of a single thing that sounded fun anymore. Intellectually I knew our life was good, but I couldn’t make myself feel it. I couldn’t feel anything. Well, anything other than numbness and the constant nervous feeling in my stomach. Whenever I’d complain about the nervousness in my stomach, he’d say “What are you nervous about?” and I couldn’t get him to understand that I literally wasn’t nervous ABOUT anything. I just felt anxious. My parents also had a hard time understanding. My dad would just ask “What do you have to be depressed about?” and my mom would say “You just need to let go of the negativity and embrace more positive thoughts. Don’t worry so much!” I think the “What do you have to be depressed about?” question upset me the most. That was exactly what was so frustrating about the whole thing! I didn’t have ANYTHING to be depressed about and I wasn’t depressed ABOUT anything. I was just depressed. That’s the difference between feeling sad and being depressed. People feel sad about things, but depression is a whole other animal. It’s not a feeling, it’s a state of being. Your brain is sick and there’s no rhyme or reason. And it’s nearly impossible to fix your sick brain with a sick brain….you can’t think your way out of it!
I never thought about actively trying to kill myself. But throughout that October, November, and December I thought a lot about wanting to just be dead. I didn’t want to do it myself, I just wanted it to kind of accidentally happen. We live in rural Connecticut, so we’re surrounded by lots of wonderful trails! There was a wooded trail where I’d take my dog on hikes pretty regularly. **Side note–this is another thing people love to say to depressed people–“Go outside and enjoy nature! You’ll feel better!” Nature used to be something that made me feel happy, but now it was like it was taunting me. “Remember how this used to make you happy?? Now it just looks like an abyss that you want to disappear into! Sucks to be you!” ** I continued to take my dog out on the trails and something about being alone out there really put me in a weird place. I would start to feel like I just wanted to keep walking until I was totally lost. Other times I felt like I just wanted to lay down somewhere and never get back up.
This time of year was hunting season and there’s always tons of hunters in the woods! I can remember one day I decided to take my dog on a hike. I put a bright orange harness on her so that hunters could see her…but I decided to wear black. Remember, I didn’t want to kill myself, but I figured it would be alright if it accidentally happened! I thought if a hunter shot me, then at least no one could say that I did it to myself. Yeah, I know, that reasoning is ridiculous. I ended up running into a hunter in the middle of the woods that day and he yelled at me for not wearing anything. I sank deeper into myself and somehow made it back to my house. It was at that point that I realized I had to do something.
The next day, I called and made an appointment with a psychologist. On the day that I met with her, I cried the ENTIRE TIME. Ugly, ugly crying. It had been built up for so long and actually having to talk about it out loud to someone just made me lose it. She recommended that I see my primary care doctor to get on some antidepressants. I can remember her saying “You don’t have to live like this. It doesn’t have to be this way.” She said that medication often helps pull you out of that deep, deep depression where your mind isn’t ready to heal itself. Once that happens, then you can start to work on yourself in therapy. Boy was she totally right.
I quickly made an appointment and my doctor prescribed Zoloft. At first, it didn’t really do anything. My doctor started me off on the lowest dose and then we slowly increased it. As it increased, I would feel one or two fleeting positive thoughts a day. Like randomly I would think about something and feel that warm glow of happiness. And just as soon as I felt it, it’d slip away and I couldn’t get it back. I’m talking 2-3 seconds here. But that gave me so much hope! I hadn’t felt that in so long! Just the fact that my brain was able to feel joy about ANYTHING was a huge step for me! I really felt like maybe things would get better. As we increased the dosage, I’d start to get those feelings several times throughout the day. Then, I’d start to feel that way for half of the day…then most of the day. Until finally, I felt normal feelings again! I felt happy about things I used to enjoy, I laughed more, the fog lifted, and I finally felt like myself again! This was over the course of about 6 months. It’s not a quick fix.
I still have a little trouble with lack of “get up and go” every once in a while. That’s pretty normal for people with depression. It’s not always fully cured for people…it’s something you live with and constantly manage. I’ve become pretty good at managing it though! If I feel it start to creep back up on me, I know that I’m slacking on my workouts or my nutrition/supplements and I need to get my butt back in gear! Don’t bottle it up…let the ones you love know that you’re struggling and need a hug or a word of encouragement. It’s not your battle to fight alone.
I’m not one of those people that’s going to say “I just thought positive thoughts and exercised and now I’m cured and off my meds!” I don’t know if I’ll ever go off my meds and I’m okay with that. If I have to pop a pill every day so that I don’t wanna be shot by a hunter, then I think that’s a small price to pay!!
This was me over the summer feeling truly happy and not just faking it!
I’m so thankful for how far I’ve come! I’m thankful to my husband who grew so much during my journey and who now totally understands what I went through/continue to go through and just how to help (whether that’s making me laugh or enveloping me in a bear hug). I’m thankful that he never gave up on me and loved me through it all. I’m thankful to my wonderful parents who took the time to understand the struggle I had and supported me no matter what! And I’m thankful for the lovely community of people that I’ve gotten to know over the past year!
If you’re struggling with depression, please think about what my therapist said: “It doesn’t have to be this way.” Things will get better, you just have to take a step towards getting help. It’s not easy, but it’s so incredibly worth it.
So since being diagnosed with Celiac, I thought about whether I wanted to have my wedding be gluten free. I kind of toyed with idea, thinking that it would be a little over the top to go all gluten free…but then I changed my mind. My husband and I eat gluten free at home all the time and a run-in with gluten at my wedding would completely ruin the whole thing. So why couldn’t I just do all gluten free!? Most people don’t even notice unless you tell them and the piece of mind I would have knowing I wasn’t going to be poisoned on my special day would be priceless!
As fate should have it, I found a pretty reasonable catering company that specialized in allergy-friendly foods! They are a nut-free facility and will happily accommodate other allergies as well. This is where my dream wedding menu began….
Being diagnosed in college, a major concern for me was what I was going to order at a bar or drink at parties. There’s a lot of information out there about this topic and much of it is conflicting…it’s hard to know what to do. Many sites and doctors say that all distilled liquor is safe for celiacs, while other resources say that celiacs should avoid liquor made from wheat, barley, or rye. So what’s a celiac to do? Honestly, it’s different for every person I think.
